Feeling Responsive

Streamer Breaks Spine Jumping Into Incredibly Heavy-Handed Metaphor

Mon, 10 Oct 2022 17:07:42 +0000

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DashCon Ball Pit Breathes Sigh Of Relief

Mon, 10 Oct 2022 16:53:05 +0000

Tragedy occurred at TwitchCon earlier this weekend as multiple attendees including streamer and Internet Naked Woman Adriana Chechik suffering serious injuries as a result of a poorly constructed foam pit. But there is one public figure who has come out smiling: the notorious ball pit from DashCon 2014.

“Oh, you all laughed at me back then!” said the famously cursed convention attraction. “You all said I was gross, unsettling, and a genuine biohazard. At least I never tried to murder anyone!”

It’s unknown if victims of the TwitchCon foam pit will sue for damages, but it is known that “victims of the TwitchCon foam pit” is a phrase we never thought we would have to say.

“You know, that foam pit was sponsored by Lenovo and Intel,” the DashCon ball pit remarked from the sinister warehouse where it still resides. “I was just thrown together by some bloggers doing their best. And look which one of us ended up with a body count!”

The DashCon ball pit has lived in infamy for the past eight years, but it’s hopeful people will look upon it a little more kindly from now on. “I may be covered in piss,” the ball pit said proudly, “But at least I’m not covered in blood.”

Anime Villain Checks Blood Sugar To Know Exact Percentage Of Power Used In Fight

Mon, 19 Sep 2022 02:17:14 +0000

A scrappy hero struggles to stand up, having given his all while fighting the alien invader Gormak, who stands over him, smirking. “Heh, not bad, kid. You actually made me use 17% of my power.”

This was the scene yesterday during the anime Melatonin Dreams. What was not seen, however, were the unsung heroes: Gormak’s support team, checking his blood sugar levels to know the exact percentage of power he used during the fight.

“When I‘m out fighting sniveling worms, it helps to know my power usage,” says galactic conqueror and genocider of the Koritsu race Gormak. “That’s why I’m so happy to have Jeremy and his team leading the way in power level management. After I embarrass another wannabe hero, Jeremy will come over and take a little bit of blood, run it through a centrifuge, and then report back to me. If I use too much power, I’ll eat a sugar cookie or something so I can get back to collecting the seventeen Wishing Stones, which for legal purposes I need to disclose I will not be putting into a glove.”

Knowing his exact power usage is essential for Gormak, and his team charts out his usage using tools like Microsoft Excel.

“Last month, he was using a lot more power than usual,” says gainfully employed data analyst Janet Smith. “That was a tough time. He was destroying the world of the ant-men, and there were a lot of them—he was using 5-7% of his power every day. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but again, there were a lot of ant-men, right? I’m working on a proposal to just buy him a gun so he saves power on killing small, innocent people.”

When asked what it was like working for a world-reviled supervillain, Smith told Nerfwire, “It used to be dangerous to work for Gormak, but now whenever he tries to kill me, I just say ‘there goes one percent’ under my breath and he thinks better of it.”

When asked if this was a ploy to better manage his type 1 diabetes, Gormak chose not to comment.

Riot Delegates ARAM Balance To Unpaid Intern’s 9-Year-Old Cousin Jeremy

Fri, 16 Sep 2022 00:43:21 +0000

Fans of League of Legends’ ARAM mode often feel like they take a back seat to the main game. However, that’s about to change. In a recent press release, Riot announced that they have fully delegated ARAM balance to an unpaid intern’s nine-year-old cousin named Jeremy. The prepubescent ARAM fan and Paw Patrol enthusiast was tapped for the job after impressing at a “bring your family to work” day.

“We’re really excited about Jeremy,” says balance team lead Riot Phroxzon. “We finally decided we needed to do some ARAM balance, but no one could be bothered. I asked around, and everyone had a pretty good excuse. Anna said she had to wash her hair, so that could probably take a while. Finally, I realized we need someone to dump this on, and this kid was naive enough to agree to do it for $65,000 a year when we could have paid 70.”

The new hire is not without his own merits. Jeremy has twice won his youth soccer league and is on the honor roll at Smithwick Elementary. He also really likes dinosaurs, and knows that Santa isn’t real.

“I love the champions. Nunu is my favorite,” says 4th grader and Global Product Manager, League of Legends (ARAM), Jeremy Morton. “He runs so fast and is funny! I also like Caitlyn. She makes me feel weird though, like out of breath. She was in Arcane, which Phroxzon let me watch even though my mom said I wasn’t old enough. Do you want to see how fast I can run? You stay here and time me, I’m going to run to that tree and run back. Ready, go!”

Jeremy proceeds to show us how many cartwheels he can do (eight, honestly pretty good) before blanket nerfing any champion with an ARAM win rate exceeding 51%.

Amazing Console Mod: This Guy Made Game Boy Completely Stationary

Sun, 11 Sep 2022 22:03:46 +0000

Before the Switch, there was the Game Boy: the groundbreaking console that helped Nintendo revolutionize gaming forever. But now, a fan has revolutionized it all over again by modifying his console to become the world’s first-ever fully stationary Game Boy. Talk about epic!

Instagram user Damon Ronson posted a pic of his custom console, and it’s totally mind-blowing. Nerfwire got in touch with the gaming genius to find out how he did it.

“First thing I done was weld the back of the Game Boy to a ten-foot steel pole,” Ronson explained. “Drove that pole nine feet into the ground, filled it in with cement. Fucker’s not going anywhere.”

You can say that again! This truly is a world first. Other console modders have tried to make Game Boys less portable in the past, by bolting them to a large steel plate or stapling them to a wall. But nobody’s ever taken it as far as Ronson.

“Yeah nah, never liked portable games,” said Ronson. “Don’t trust ‘em. Where you tryin’ to run off to? Now, if I wanna play Game Boy, I know exactly where it is.”

That’s just one of the benefits of Ronson’s custom console. It’s also theft-proof, can never get lost, and it can only be played if you lie flat down on your stomach on the ground. Awesome!

“My wife said I’m a fuckin’ idiot for this,” Ronson admitted. “But now I can play as much Pokemon Blue as I want, in exactly the same location every time. Well, until the power runs out. Haven’t figured out how to replace the batteries yet.”

Opinion: Goku Was American Because He Almost Died Of Untreated Heart Disease

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 00:29:05 +0000

It’s time to wake up and face the music. Goku, the hero of the Dragon Ball series, is clearly and inarguably American. There are many signs pointing to this conclusion, but the most damning is the fact that he very nearly died from untreated heart disease.

Goku is frequently shown eating amounts of food that are ridiculously and frankly suicidally unhealthy. In one episode, he caught a dinosaur, roasted it, and ate it like a chicken. This thing must have been four times his body weight. The only other time I ever saw anything like that was at a Golden Corral in Newark, New Jersey, where a man ate two consecutive trays of mac and cheese followed by a plate of sweet rolls. I assume he left afterward to either do battle with Piccolo or immediately check himself into the hospital for coronary distress, which would obviously bankrupt him.

Goku does not have health insurance. His main method of healthcare is either eating magical beans, having his wife put a hot water bottle on his head, or having his rich friend bankroll the doctors. These are also the top three most common healthcare methods in the United States, the fourth being witchcraft, which Goku probably also used at some point.

Heart disease is by far the most American disease. We die from it every day, and Goku was so leveled from it that he almost lost to Cell and sent the world into a dark age. His cholesterol was literally more damaging to him than a Kamehameha attack. If anything is more representative of the red, white, and blue than that, I haven’t heard it. Goku was as American as apple pie and the heart attacks those pies cause.

The only other argument I’ll accept is that Goku is Italian because he constantly beats his son and cannot drive.

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Shang Tsung Confirms Rules Don’t Say Dog Can’t Mortal Kombat

Wed, 13 Jul 2022 03:55:00 +0000

Today, Shang Tsung sent a murder of crows across the realms announcing that, after a thorough analysis of the rules, a dog can, in fact, participate in Mortal Kombat.

“I don’t see why you would, to be honest,” lamented tournament host Shang Tsung, noting that this came as a request from Lord Raiden to add a golden retriever named Buttons to the roster. “Buttons has no special abilities, cannot breathe fire, and is very easily distracted. If Lord Raiden truly wishes to enlist Buttons, then the Elder Gods have conceded already. I’m ready to face you in battle, Buttons! Your soul is mine! Whose soul is mine? That’s right! Your soul, Buttons! Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog?”

We asked other tournament entrants for their opinions on Buttons.

“Hey, I’ve killed plenty of animals in my time,” Kano told Nerfwire. “If I have to fight some Michael Vick puppy pound reject, I’m more than ready, mate. I’ve even killed dozens of cats playing lasers with them.”

“No no no no no,” said Meat, the obscure skinless kombatant. “I can’t fight anything sharper than toothpaste, there’s no way I can fight something that could literally eat me raw. At least Baraka can do more than speak, but he has a hard time with handshakes compared to Buttons.”

Kotal Kahn asked to go on record just to say, “He can’t be worse than Mokap.”

We reached out to Lord Raiden for his reasoning on the controversial pick. “Mortal, I understand your trepidation,” said the god of thunder. “Many years ago, Stryker brought me on a ride-along and I was able to witness the barely restrained glory and fury of a K9 unit. Such aggression is sure to help turn the tides in Earthrealm’s favor.”

Stryker claims that he tried to tell Raiden that the K9 operatives in question were highly trained German shepherds, but apparently, he had made up his mind.

At press time, however, Kung Lao is reported to have accidentally killed Buttons when the dog thought they were playing fetch with his hat.

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Loading Message Too Cutesy

Wed, 13 Jul 2022 03:54:32 +0000

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Amazon Cuts Out Middleman With New Service Of Just Paying Someone To Pee In Bottle

Wed, 13 Jul 2022 03:53:42 +0000

Amazon Prime users are in for a treat, as the e-commerce giant has just announced a new service: Amazon Drop will allow customers to cut out the middleman and just straight up pay someone to pee in a bottle.

“Amazon is already famous for shopping, shipping, and streaming, but we’re adding another S to our repertoire: sssssssssss,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “That’s the sound piss makes.”

Amazon’s punitively harsh quotas have made peeing in bottles an embarrassing necessity for warehouse workers and delivery drivers alike. Even Bezos himself has confessed to pissing in bottles, but in his case, it’s just because he likes it.

“Amazon Drop is a natural extension of our existing offerings,” explained Drop VP Steve Mnuchin. “Every time you buy something on Amazon, someone needs to pee in a bottle to get it to you. Not only does Drop streamline that process, but you also get to watch.”

Shareholders overwhelmingly praised the announcement, with one stating that it “will put pee bottle power in the hands of consumers.” Reports indicate that shareholders will also be able to watch.

Union representatives were less pleased. “You know what? Feel free to automate this one,” said labor organizer Cobin Wales. “Pissing in bottles on camera? Yeah, you can get a robot for that job.”

What’s even more surprising is that Amazon Drop launches today—Prime Day, July 12—so please, please, don’t participate in the boycott.

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Musk Abandons Another Child

Sun, 10 Jul 2022 01:57:22 +0000

Elon Musk has officially backed out of his deal to purchase Twitter, walking out on the social media platform the same way he walked out on his other neglected children.

“At first, I was really passionate about this deal, but it just feels like too much responsibility now,” said Musk, who previously promised to revolutionize how Twitter is run, and also got an employee pregnant with twins. “I don’t wanna be tied down, you know? Hell, I’m only fifty-one!”

The Twitter deal is not the first promise Musk has failed to fulfill. Other recent examples include his original plans for the hyperloop and the implicit responsibilities of fatherhood to his ten human children.

“Yeah, that sounds like him,” said Musk’s daughter Vivian Wilson, who cited a lack of contact with her father in the decision to change her name. “It’s good to know the guy treats his multibillion-dollar acquisition deals the same way he treats his biological kids.”

At the time of writing, Twitter CEO Parag Agrawal was trying to convince a team of heartbroken employees that this wasn’t their fault.

“It doesn’t mean Elon doesn’t love Twitter, I promise,” Agrawal assured a sobbing developer. “He’ll still be on Twitter every day stealing content from small creators and posting the absolute worst memes you’ve ever seen. Where else can he call a heroic diver a pedophile, or make transphobic vagueposts about his ex-wife’s new girlfriend?”

Musk has already moved on from the Twitter deal, announcing plans to create a flying train that will revolutionize air travel.

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