Gabe Newell Considers Making Game, Buys Island Instead

Word has spread to the gaming media that Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve Corporation and renowned industry titan, has invited the press to his new private island off of the Madagascan coast. Invitations teased “a new way to experience the FPS genre.” With hopeful hearts set on a Half-Life 3 release, journalists near and far flocked to Newell’s resort-turned-home in the heart of the Indian Ocean. “Men do their best work when they’re young and hungry,” Newell told Nerfwire at the press gathering. “Ever since I turned Steam into the central hub of the PC gaming community, I’ve been waiting for the next big idea. I was caught in a rut for a long time, but that all changed when I went hunting with my dear friend, Jeff Bezos.” “Yeah, I took him out to my place off the coast of Tahiti,” Jeff Bezos said when reached for comment. “Everything’s legal there, and I don’t just mean tax stuff. Literally everything. I go there whenever I feel lost, and I often stumble upon inspiration out in the forest. I’m an avid hunter, and it was a pleasure to introduce Gabe to my favorite pastime. I think it really set his mind at ease.” “While Jeff and I were on the hunt, we came up with this new idea together,” Newell continued. “Something far more ambitious than a continuation of the Half-Life series. A brand new VR experience that could revitalize the gaming industry and maybe even make the world a better place along the way.” “According to my projections, this project could cut down human carbon emissions by 25% over the next ten years,” Bezos proclaimed, his wide, glowing smile instantly putting us at ease. “Furthermore, it could eradicate global food shortages and plummet violent crime and unemployment rates! The benefits are many, and the drawbacks are, uh… very few.” “How will we do this, you ask?” Newell said, a brilliant vision for the future sparkling in his eyes. “Well, to put it simply, we want to share our hunting experience with everyone.” Valve Corporation has since begun construction on a fleet of humanoid killbots powered by SteamOS, which players will control through a VR interface as they hunt down real prey on Newell’s private island. A closed beta for Newell’s The Most Dangerous Game is slated for release on Christmas 2020. While we were informed that review copies would not be distributed, our reporter was invited to visit the island and playtest at any time. We have not heard from him in days.