Sorry, Wordle: The Only 5-Letter Word I Care About Is Pussy

For weeks, Twitter has been inundated by a deluge of incomprehensible colored squares. The savvy reader will understand that this is part of the “share” function of online puzzle game Wordle. For us normal people, however, it’s just a bunch of fucking squares. Wordle is a game about guessing a five-letter word in six tries, but I’ve got bad news for you linguistic freaks: the only five-letter word I care about is “pussy.”

That’s right: while you nerds have been frantically typing words like “raise” and “pouch,” I’ve been frantically going to town on my “bitch.” She “loves” it when I “mount” her in my “condo” and show her my “tower” of “steel.” I don’t have time for squares because I’m too busy putting my “thick” in her “tight,” if you’re even capable of understanding my meaning there. I’m talking about my “penis.”

You may be wondering, if I’m so preoccupied with getting the “slick” and “dirty” so “often,” how did I have time to “write” this “piece”? You’re in luck: the “truth” is, I’m multitasking even as we “speak.” Right now, as I’m popping out this “paper,” I’m also laying the “train” on my lady’s “track.” And speaking of paper, that’s another thing your ass could stand to gain. Booyah! You like that, babe? She likes it.

Now you may be wondering, if I’m capable of “shell”-ing my “shock” and “crank”-ing this “clock” at the same time, why can’t I also play Wordle while I’m having sex? I acknowledge that it’s in the “realm” of possibility, but have you considered that it would be disrespectful to my “woman”? She demands complete “focus” when we’re going to “pound” town, with the occasional exception. For instance, she enthusiastically supports me dunking on you losers in this article. Hell yeah, ain’t that right babe? She said yeah.

Basically, I’m awesome and you suck. Next week, I’ll be writing about how Candy Crush isn’t as good as eating ass.

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